Little Haylee

Recently, as in the last 7 months, a friend of ours had a beautiful baby boy. Naturally during one of my trips back to Nebraska, I made it a priority to see the wonderful bundle of joy. After the necessary chit chat and mouth watering sloppy joes- I finally took my turn in holding Carter. Once I got past the excitement of holding him, I suddenly realize that all eyes are on me. Now, normally I would smile back, recognizing that soon the attention will steer to something more compelling. However, what I quickly discovered was that I was the one holding the star in the room. All eyes were really on Carter. Obviously, the newborn steals the show.

I disregarded the extra sets of eyes, and continued talking and enjoying time with friends that I do not get to see often. All was going well; a new girl on a recent reality show was making sure everyone knew about her recently found love for cowboys- and just as she began to stomp her feet- everything changed. Well, at least in my head. Baby Carter began screaming- you know that infant alarm that lets you know something is wrong. Yeah- he was really letting it out. Generally, outside of being hungry, tired or having a dirty diaper- my knowledge on infants goes about as far as the dimples on their cheeks.

I must have visibly been clueless- as Carter’s mom spoke up, wondering if I was okay.  I sat there mute- and quickly passed Carter along; pretending to care about the girl and her cowboy. After releasing some tension in my shoulders, I neglected the elephant in the room. You know that beautiful, screaming bundle of joy.  Honestly, the high pitches that were coming out of Carter, didn’t bother me. Babies generally communicate the only way they know how- to scream until someone comes to the rescue. I mean honestly; some adults even continue to use this method.

However, the screaming is not why I recall this specific incident. The thing I will never forget is the comment beautiful Carters mother made. She simple smiled, took Carter from my arms and stated that she is constantly surprised at the amount of people that simply hand Carter over once he starts to scream. Ouch! However- deservingly so, I was a part of her statistic.

I never really lost this moment- because I too, hope to be a mother one day. I also hope to be a loving and devoted part of my friends and families lives. And well, this at times will include infants. I suppose the tension in my body and the racing thoughts of that ‘uh-oh, what do I do now’ overcame me and the easy thing to do was to hand over Carter.  I never again wanted to feel overcame in that moment.

I was recently faced with an internal challenge. My brother, Sean received the greatest honor- and became a father in early December. I suppose it should be noted that my brother becoming a dad was not my internal struggle. However, the thought of being a good role model to my niece was on the top of the list.

During my most recent trip to Nebraska- I was overjoyed to be meeting baby Haylee. I walked into my parent’s house knowing that Haylee and I were now under the same roof. This possibly was one of the only times I can remember Sean being visibly excited to see me- this and the first time he saw me in my wedding dress. His chest was held high, and it appeared that confidence was radiating off of his body.  Then, with the biggest grin, he asked me if I would like to see my niece.

Words cannot really describe what it was like to see your baby brother, in the blink of an eye turn into a father. I can honestly say that I will never look at Sean the same again. He is a proud father, and I am an ever prouder sister.

The moment I took Haylee into my arms, it was instant love. Silly right? Aren’t you only supposed to have this initial reaction with your own children? Well, if that is the case, I could certainly argue that hypothesis. Maybe it was her gentle skin, her perfect fingers but- most likely it was the way she transformed my brother. In fact this new addition to the Murdock clan completely changed the dynamic of our entire family.  I am not talking about additional gifts under the tree, another mouth to feed, or even the excitement of celebrating another birthday. Miss Haylee- changed it all, and right where it matters.
Haylee takes away the tension in my shoulders, the desire to find her parents when she starts to ‘communicate’ and well, even through her grueling scream- makes me feel calm. A perfect feeling of overwhelming love surrounded my entire body. I smiled down on her and told her all about our future plans- the shopping trips, the talks about boys, her graduation day, and how I would be present as she walked down the aisle. I dreamed of the day I would hear her speak, watch her walk, and even watch her yell at me with disgust as she insists that I am a horrible aunt.  I thought about the phone calls with Sean, as he both updates me on her life and discusses moments of frustration.

Within a single moment of holding Haylee, I realized that I had fought my internal battle, and managed to win the war; all within the blink of an eye.  I somehow became confident- that I too, can contribute and be a devoted part of little Haylee’s life.  Breathing a sigh of relief, I put my feet on the ground and began to slowly rock Haylee to sleep. I closed my eyes and couldn’t help but to smile.

I will never forget this moment of pure bliss- cheers to you little Haylee- and thank you for changing our lives!